Breaking the Silence

“Sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down, Sometimes the world goes round and round and we don’t stop to think that we got a lot in common…Just look inside your soul ‘cause we got a lot in common” -A Lot in Common by Group 1 Crew


At the beginning of this summer, my world felt right. There was so much good in life, so much good in everything I did. The people I called friends made me feel like we could overcome any obstacles, as long as we overcame them together. God was so present amongst our group, and it felt like we all had a strong foundation for our faith. I honestly believed we were helping each other grow in our faith; but what we were really doing was pulling each other in all of these different directions, and none of them towards God.


I didn’t realize how far we had all fallen until I was hurt by every single person I had called friend. I felt left out, forgotten, unimportant, unloved, and used. I had tried to love these people to the best of my ability, and they didn’t care enough to try for me.


After that day, I was prepared to tell those people exactly how I felt, but as time progressed, I convinced myself otherwise. I pretended nothing was wrong, and I told myself I was being forgiving by pushing the hurt away and not saying anything.


Unfortunately, the hurt stayed with me, and every time I was hurt by someone again, the pain would pile up. I would just push the pain away and tell myself I was being forgiving, but the whole time the pain was just piling up.


After a while, the pain turned into anger. I know I hurt people along the way; but I felt like they didn’t care, so I stopped caring, too. The sad part is that everyone pretended everything was good, great even. We were just one big, happy family…but we weren’t.


Deep down, we were all unhappy with something. Each of us with our own wounds and secrets…  Each one of us feeling left out and unimportant at some point…


I know I am as much to blame as everyone else for everything that went wrong with our friendship. The whole time I kept telling myself I was forgiving my friends for hurting me; but I wasn’t loving them, and there can be no forgiveness without love.


“He who forgives an offense seeks love…” –Proverbs 17:9


I rarely write down my feelings for people to read, but I felt like I needed to write these feelings down today because they aren’t just my feelings…


I know all of the people I have been talking about have felt or still feel just like I did. It’s sad how we all just keep living as if nothing bothers us, as if we’re strong enough to handle things on our own. We keep putting ourselves in bad situations because we think our life needs to be validated by people who are just going to lead us away from God. We keep fighting to bury secrets that are just destroying the foundation of our faith. We’re living lives that don’t bring any glory to God. We’re tearing apart the beauty of life and friendship through our silence and inaction… 


“…perfect in beauty, God shines forth. Our God comes and will not be silent…” –Psalm 50:2-3


If I can’t tell the people who I call friends how I really feel, then what kind of friendship is that? Where is God in a relationship like that? I’m tired of being silent and pushing my feelings aside; and if I continue allowing myself to do that, I’ll just feel further away from God than I felt before. So, I’m through pushing things aside and remaining silent and pretending that everything’s fine when it isn’t. I’m not going to just tell myself I’m being forgiving, instead I’m going to work on loving and trusting God more because then forgiveness and everything else will eventually fall into place.

“Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers” -Sober by Kelly Clarkson

 

Originally Written and Posted: August 31, 2010 at 9:16pm

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